Wednesday, March 30, 2011

PLAYING THE CHARLIE SHEEN GAME

Presidio Sentinel, San Diego, APRIL, 2011
By Laura Walcher

There’s a common misconception in contemporary culture, that
one can achieve fame and fortune by … doing good.  

I can testify to that being entirely untrue, save, perhaps, for Mother Teresa, who did OK with fame.  Heaven knows (so to speak), how big she’d be if she wanted fortune as well. 

For instance, has anyone since Hitler drawn as much air and ink as Charlie Sheen, today’s infamous bad-boy?  (OK, maybe Quaddafi, a serious contender.) Our only saving grace might be Perspective:  cartoonist Mike Luckovich’s latest shows the blare from the living room TV:  “… increasing chances of multiple meltdowns …,”  at which the Mrs. sighs, “Please … let that be about Charlie Sheen …”

Don’t go thinking that I’m going to be the only writer in America not writing about Charlie. Talk about embarrassing the Presidio
Sentinel!

Like you, I’ve sought both  F & F by being nice to my ungrateful children, helpful and courteous to my friends and clients, respectful to my elders (a seriously diminishing crowd), and, of course, writing hard-hitting, surprisingly amusing columns and features.

To date, none of this has advanced my purse or national recognition.  And now I realize I’ve gone about it all wrong.   I am, therefore, jumping on the Charlie Sheen behavioral bandwagon.

If only I’d known;  I started off wrong.   Languishing with acute homesickness in  Girl Scout camp,  I quietly wept and moped all summer long.  Where did THAT get me?  Pitiful sniggers from friends – all of who were having the best time of their lives.  What I needed to do intead was  wage war ; launch a  major meltdown, with screams and sobs, that would’ve brought my distraught parents rushing to take me home.  They might even have sued the camp and had the counselors fired.  I probably could’ve made the news and been interviewed on national television about child abuse. 

Another summer later, I got fired from the coffee shop where I was “working” as a waitress.  I put quotations around  “working” because for some reason, I couldn’t “take the job seriously.” That’s what they said - and they were right.  Well, duh.  So what if they were right? Instead of slinking off like I did, red-faced and embarrassed, the situation clearly called for another rant.  In fact, I should’ve just Charlie’d it and beat the manager to a pulp.  No question, I would’ve been invited to speak at college campuses about labor laws, and the media would’ve understood that the manager brought his broken bones on himself, since I’d been under such …um.  Stress.

This may be too revealing, to tell you that I’ve been married
for … centuries, I think.  But even those of you who have been
connected for mere months understand that such unions present
various ups.  And downs.  So I wish to announce that I repent and reject any of the former discretion, understanding and sweetness I’ve used to raise the downs to ups.  I’m Charlie Sheening it.  My fame shall now be assured, as I intend to share what’s-his-names sins with  millions of Facebook friends and solicit  trillions of Twitter hits to support my side.  Of everything. 

And it’s going to work.  Like Mr. Sheen’s  Hollywood handlers, you’ll be my enablers, and I want to thank you in advance. I’m looking forward to my starring role in a new “go-negative” reality sit-com for billions.  You’ll see:  the Girl Scout camp will be
renamed after me, the Coffee Shop chain will showcase me
in their advertising.   I’ve got the line now on achieving
fame and fortune.

Thanks, Charlie! 
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