WHAT NOW? EXCUSE ME? YOU’RE THE DOG!

• 

By Laura Walcher

 Presidio Sentinel San Diego, NOVEMBER 2014

The problem is, they think they own the place. And while they’re insistent on their superiority, truth is, they’re pretty lucky we’re around, tolerant enough to indulge them in this fantasy.

Not that they entirely lack brains.  Our newbie, the young Fen, got quickly comfortable enough to remind us, as we take the last bite of dinner, that it’s his turn.  And, secure enough to insist, with growing hysteria, that if we are both in a certain kind of motion, we might - no, we are - probably leaving,  and as our exit gift, he’ll get treats. What else counts?

The Bill Walchers’ manic-sweet Ginger expresses herself in somewhat different ways. We are, after all, experienced in wrestling sidewalk garbage from our dogs’ mouths. (I say “garbage.”  They think, “food!” )  That’s a fight. But we’re not quite sure about Ginger;  she clearly has a unique appetite, since her list of find/devour treasures include, but are not limited to:

Pens

pencils

Placemats

Books

Dustpan

Wisk broom

Regular broom

Watering can

“Cat poop,” too, but that’s in the treat category. Nearly normal.

I’ve boasted and bragged in earlier columns about how much our dogs love me … vs. the Mister.  This is especially painful to him since he’s the one who feeds ‘em. Yet, around here, when Mr.  waves the leash, heads for the door, ready to take Fen for a walk, Fen occasionally, yet grudgingly complies. OK, that only  means he’s really gotta go.  More often, at the first sign of an outing, he’ll instead  race around to find me, his black expressive eyes just begging me to save him from a walk with  Mr. what’s-his-name. 

Sad to say, the Mr. takes this stuff very seriously.  So much so, in fact, that he makes desperate attempts to elicit deserved but undelivered affection from young Fen.  Mr. invents all kinds of imaginary responsibilities that will keep him from taking Fen to the groomer - a destination probably highest on Fen’s hate list - lest, thinks Mr. ,  the dog will blame him for the despised experience. 

Isn’t there a word, or some disease, for

attributing human emotions to animals?  Never mind.

So I take him to the groomer, and Mr., trusting that he will be deeply appreciated for the rescue, makes himself available for pick-up. (Unfortunately, I haven’t seen this make a difference in Fen’s affection for him, but the Mr. keeps trying.) 

Mr. used to keep, nurture tropical fish.  He talked to them, named them, tended them, cleaned their aquariums, fed them. I’m certain they really loved him.

###

Re:  HOW COOL ARE WE? from last month:  several of you  asked  about  Martine Rothblatt … the subject of a New York Magazine feature, in which his/her wife   ”…involves herself in digital immorality, eternal life research, another project she calls “trans-religion,” and herself, a “trans-humanist” 

You’ve asked me what “digital immorality” means. How come you didn’t ask what “trans-religion” and “trans-humanist” means?  Wow! I was hoping you’d tell me!

WHAT NOW? HOW COOL ARE WE …?

Presidio Sentinel San Diego

October 2014

By Laura Walcher

Maybe, we wish, we hope, by the time you read this, we’re ‘way cool.  Y’know, limber, in-the-know, into every band promoted by CityBeat, seeking adventurous dining in the new restaurants that keep popping up;  we’re  creative, edgy,  wearing highly hip duds, with holes in the knees of our jeans and

short black high=heel boots with …um, everything.

OR, we’re not so cool. We’ might still be roasting.

We’re holed up indoors, testing every window through which a breeze can possibly

Flow. We’re distraught because that breeze is about l00 degrees;  we pray that the air conditioner, which we forgot to have serviced, still works.

We’ve read nearly everything in our stacks … even the trillion - word cover story in New York Magazine, which features Martine Rothblatt, who used to be Martin Rothblatt  - “ .. a white, Jewish lawyer and now a transgendered woman …  a ‘father’ of four married to an African-American woman and therefore also, sort of, a lesbian …..”  Besides being the hugely successful founder of United Therapeutics, a pharmaceutical company, she involves herself in digital immorality, eternal life research, another project she calls “trans-religion,” and herself, a “trans-humanist.’  

Struggling with that story was maybe better than struggling under the sun -  the downside being  the realization of how ordinary, conventional I am. 

Indoor time did help me review the Sunday so-called comics yet again - - and re-conclude that the only one that holds up with any “humor” is Dan Piraro’s

 “Bizarro. “

I’m getting highly suspect of those (no names) who giggle at “Mother Goose & Grimm,” Wiley’s “Non Sequitur,” Lalo Alcaraz’ “La Cucaracha,” oh, c’mon.  Never mind John Allen’s” Nest Head,” and Kevin Fagan’s” Drabble.” Yawn.

If, however, they distracted us,  albeit briefly, from the unrelenting Ebola spread,

the Scotland/England independence vote, the NFL abuse scandal (and the need for Mr. Goodell to invest in crises communications), the ebullient –possibly to be admired -  Jack Ma of Alibaba, and trying to figure out exactly how he’s made his fortune, ISIS, Syria, Ukraine, we’ll tolerate the so-called “funnies.”

Good that it was hot, providing  time needed to find early photos of Mark DeBoskey, now retiring from Jazz88.3 fm .  How else do you honor a cool radio career but with his impressive history?  I managed to recover a 1984 photo  … whew!  There we were, lookin’ plenty hot (whoops!). 

Played old cd’s, tossed out duplicate photos, sighed but tossed, too, the ones in which I didn’t recognize anyone (ouch!).  Virtuous.

And, despite having given up ‘ZITS’” the minute the kid reached his teens, and

writers Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman lost their sense of humor,

I, instead of simmering in the heat, tried again for a laugh, but no dice.   

Someone oughta give me a comic-book strip;  I may be ordinary and

conventional, but at least I’m finally cool.  ###

SENSITIVE TECHNIQUES FOR A BALANCED LIFE

November, 2006, S. D. Metropolitan

September, 2014 , Presidio Sentinel San Diego

WHAT NOW? SENSITIVE TECHNIQUES FOR A BALANCED LIFE

By Laura Walcher

   “it’s all about balance,” said movie mogul George Lucas, who juggled raising two children as a single father, his movies and Skywalker Ranch (the mini-city of which he is not merely mayor, but king).  He can probably afford to buy all the balance he wants.

   Bill Gates says, just use digital systems.

   I, for one, recognize the universality of these problems, if not their solutions.  Personally, I regularly violate my most important mantra for balancing my life, which is, “be more mindful.”  That is, be more thoughtful about whatever I’m doing.  It’s not exactly a unique problem.  Recently, as I lamented about my failures, my most mindful friend lamented that she only remembered on a Friday night that her passport was in the bank deposit box, and that she was leaving for  Europe before dawn on Monday.  She had to change her entire itinerary to leave a day later in order to retrieve her passport.

Unmindful to the max.

What is our problem?  Less time than ever to think about anything, never mind  implementing self-improvement plans.  We’re on fast track at home and at work.  Voice-mails and “communication” technologies enable us to avoid time-eating personal connection.  We try to beat the clock, beat the train.  We’re bombarded by new issues and information – often useless, but diverting – which we are nevertheless compelled to consider.

Inexpert tho’ I am, I offer brief but workable solutions.  Most came to me as I – with a iife as complicated as yours – realized that they constituted what I call my “balancing act.”  Until now, they’ve been locked deep in my unconscious, where you may wish they had stayed, but I’m betting …. Not.

Technique to Increase Self-Confidence and Boost Self Image:

Realize that you already know nearly every item of self-help advice ever offered.  For instance, it’s hard to believe how many times, “set realistic goals” shows up.  Is that that a no-brainer, or what?  We seriously intend to lose 50 lbs. by January?  We expect to be on Mars by Christmas?  Not reading any advice column other than this one will save you a great deal of time.

Ten-Second Technique to Energize, Improve Your Appearance:

Stand Up Straight.

Now, before you complain that this advice is too simplistic, try it.  When it works (which it will), sit up straight, too.

Short Technique to Freshen, Activate, Your Brain & Body:

Take a walk of any length in any weather, every day.  (If you need additional motivation, get a dog.)

Sure-Fire Technique to Acquire Perspective & Slow the Perception of Time Flying By:

Get to know a child, younger than five.

Two No-Fail Techniques to Stimulate Your Intellect:

Attend a cultural event (concert, art or museum exhibit) every month.

Read one travel story every week.

Technique to Avoid Raging Cynicism:

Everybody has their troubles, and you rarely know what they are. Give everyone a break; cut ‘em some slack.

Not Too Bad Technique to Improve Overall Happiness:

Eat a little fat in every meal. 

Now, this excellent advice probably has a sound, scientific foundation, but I don’t know what it is, and I don’t have time to find out.  Obviously, if you are obese, you must take that into consideration, and - - you don’t really have to “check with your physician first,” before you embark on a diet or exercise regime.  Just use your head.  

Daily Techniques for Increased State of General Calm:

Check your calendar early to see what’s coming up instead of what you missed.

Dine only with people you like. This is particularly important in business, since these meals can be in and of themselves harrowing.  If to that you add the discomfort of not liking your companions, you seriously increase your chances of extended agitation, to say nothing of indigestion. 

If  you further socialize with those you don’t like, well, that’s “commotion,” and you should evaluate your whole life, which, far from being time- sensitive, is extremely time-consuming.

Technique for Feeling That You Matter:

Do something.  Respond to social problems with action.  Tutor an illiterate person, visit a shut-in,  mentor a kid.  If these still take too much time, write a check.  ###

  

WHAT NOW? CONTEMPORARY CRAB, TAKE TWO

Presidio Sentinel San Diego, August, 2014

By Laura Walcher

I have not complained nearly enough about my new computer, my new phone and the traumas of contemporary technology. However, I’m  moderately pleased to realize that, given all the hair-tugging responses I’ve received, I know I’m not alone in the world:

Mike Jenkins: I just want those things to make a decent phone call!

Mike Kaplan: GREAT ARTICLE!  I would like to forward it .. but I don’t know how … !

Judith Wolf Mandell: Oh … don't get me started!

Tom Sprague: Phones are meant for making calls. Computers are meant to do what we ask them to. Where did we go wrong?

Joyce Marco: Ditto – to everything you wrote – but I though LOL was “Laughable old Lady!”

Tom Leech: Dear Ms. Easy-goin', soft-spoken, diplomatic, would you be interested in buying an IBM typewriter, maybe a nice Red British phone station, how about a pair of gadgets on a long skinny wire?   Might simplify your complicated electronic life…. 

Don Gullans:  Your blog speaks for me..that is partially why my research into the Middle Ages is so satisfying! 

Philomena Ofen: Amen! I hear ya, sister!

Barbara Metz: Boy, do I sympathize!

Michael Salkind: This technology was not meant for

people born in the first half of the last century.

Joe Wollenberger:. No need for shame as your misery has company: We also thought LOL meant LOTS OF LOVE. No wonder some of our correspondents are looking at us … askance …

Jim Bliesner:  Read your column.  Nasty.

(Note to responders:  I – not the computer – took the liberty of slightly editing your ferocious comments, for which please forgive me, yet by so doing I saved your reputations - per this family-friendly publication.  Not that the computer won’t further alter your comments; you know it has all the power.)

We all recently received in email a statement by Israeli’ Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, a reasonable, rational proposal for peace in the mid-east.  Good news  - or what?  What.  Some unknown (amazingly optimistic) person apparently penned it, possibly to inspire the PM. I only tell this incident because, in addition to providing us all the information, knowledge, news in the universe, the computer shoves at us equal amounts of misinformation.  As pop historian Charles Seife shows in his new book, “Virtual Unreality,” online, the lying is easy.   

And, nobody is exempt. The N. Y. Times reports that “… nearly every video, article and photo…” appearing in a Twitter promotion for Tibet  (are you ready?)  is a lie. 

Sad stuff, when you can’t believe anything you read - even the good news!

Well, I’ve digressed, getting off the subject of how much my techno-devises hate me.  A deep breath, an indifferent pressure on a key, sends my Samsung Galaxy into never-before-seen displays: lists, un-sought news, calendars (who asked?), numerical information (why?) and, though it purports to replicate my emails, it holds on to them for dear life when I’ve told it numerous times to delete. 

The really important service my phone, my computer, don’t provide is clear, clean, consistent communication.  There ought to be some app for that.  ###

...

 

WHAT NOW? CONTEMPORARY CRAB

Presidio Sentinel San Diego, July 2014

By Laura Walcher

I’m very well-known in (very) small circles as easy-goin’, gentle, soft-spoken, polite, diplomatic … oh never mind.

It’s all over. 

That was then. Despite my in-house techo-genius' insistence that it’s “me” and not “it,” I refuse to believe that my new phone and my new computer don’t have it in for me.  The phone thinks it runs the world ..  Yet maybe it’s right.  At the merest breath, the tiniest shift of a finger, it changes all its directions, adds endless new displays, dozens of un-wanted and un-needed opportunities to provide information, education, direction, and l00 ways to communicate, and heaven help me if I just want to make a phone call.

So far, its sole benefit has been that it carries my emails, which, I grudgingly admit, has saved me time - and gas, frequently needed to return to the office to see what I may have missed.

But that brings me my new computer “system,” which I’ll put in quotes because a “system” implies a certain logic, a method, that one can use to achieve a reasonable and understandable outcome. 

No. 

My new “system” doesn’t talk to the previous system.  The previous system insists that it’s the only one worth a damn.  Do not ask me how annoying this has been, thank you.  Then, heaven help you if you want to send the perfectly written piece to the office or the editor.  They will sigh, yet again, and say, with immense superiority:  “Laura, can you send me this in XXXX or YYYY or ZZZZ so I can read it?”

Don’t argue with me; it enrages me further.  In this techno-ridden era, I realize that screaming at supposedly inanimate objects like phones and computers … well, that might get me ulcers or maybe locked up.  But at least it’s satisfying.  Especially since I can’t get any sympathy for my rages; even those ‘round here who claim to love me insist it’s me. 

It’s not.

Yet I know I’m not alone.  My pal, Pat Rosenberger,  has a new computer, too. Like me, she’s a perfectly competent and capable woman.  So why, one might ask, has trying to manage it led to her back support for spasms; a neck brace for aches and a bite-guard for jaw-clenching?

No wonder kids don’t go out to play anymore.  Working their computer games, keeping up with new “words” that only they and their friends understand takes up all their time and energy.    And how they understand it may not be how you understand it - like “LOL.”  I thought it meant “Lots of Love,” but when I sent LOL in a condolence note, I sadly discovered that to others, it meant “Laugh Out Loud.”  

xxx

NEW KID ON THE BLOCK …

Presidio Sentinel San Diego

June 2014

By Laura Walcher

There aren’t many things in life that I’d admit to being “too old” for … but I might, just might, be too old for Fen.

Not that Fen thinks so;  he thinks I’m just dynamite.  I know this, because the second we hit the sidewalk, he springs into manic action, fully expecting me to race along with him

at what  feels to me like the speed of light - but he thinks it’s just what’s fun in life; you know -out, out, out of the house, free (ok, free-ish) at last!

Is Fen really the “adult” dog that they told us he was?  Is Fen really the Schnauzer mix, noted in his papers?   Nah.  We know better.  The closest we can come to “breed” is maybe a

Bijon/Poodle mix?  Or not.  The closest we can come to his age is one; a puppy?  We’d bet on that.

He came with those papers from the Humane Society.  He’d been at the Chula Vista pound, infirm with a congenital hip condition that rendered him struggling on three legs.  Why the Humane Society would invest in this pup …hard to know! But they did, with significant surgery and a half-inch stack  of medical reports.  He came with the name “Fennel,” which we shortened to “Fen,” (not realizing the confusion it would cause getting either Fen’s attention or that of grandson “Ben.”)  And, believing that he was a somewhat physically hampered, likely easier to take on leisurely walks, home with  us he came.

 But I digress; Fen did arrive with some talent:  he answers to the name; obeys “sit,” “stay,” “no,” and “come.”   Sufficient. What he doesn’t heed is “slow down, already!”  Or, “Chill, man!”  Guilt overcomes me if I try to hold him back; in fact, if I do, I get the ‘look.”  Reprimanded.  I’m a bad sport.  Don’t I know he NEEDS his exercise? 

This is all the more amazing given this hip situation.  Amazing, that is, to we wussy humans. Not only hasn’t he complained, whined, or required a cane,  at first he exuberantly walked, albeit gingerly,   on four legs - and ran, no, raced, as noted,  on three.  Go figure.  Now, a scant few months later, you’d be hard pressed to notice any impairment at all.

I’m the one with the problems.  I swim. Walk. I don’t run. I don’t race. The fastest I want to go is “brisk.”  That becomes my person;  I can even be graceful, svelte, at brisk.  There’s no

question, though, that Fen doesn’t dig “brisk.”  I can tell; he doesn’t see the point.  You might as well stop altogether, says his doleful stare.  Or, stop altogether only  to smell, or poop, pee, or scarf up some revolting roadside snack. 

You can tell the trouble I’m in; now I think I can read his mind.

Did I mention that Fen is just adorably sweet, impossibly cute?  Did I say how smart he is, and that he has no enemies in the animal or human world, that  his best friends are a cat and

a 70-lb. pit bull?  

I would’ve mentioned those nice things … but I’m really, really exhausted.  ###

WE EAT. WE DRINK. BUT - CAN WE READ?

PRESIDIO SENTINEL SAN DIEGO, MAY 2014

WE EAT. WE DRINK. BUT - CAN WE READ?

By Laura Walcher

Recently, Jose Cruz, the S. D. Council on Literacy’s  (SDCOL) CEO was named Civic Leader of the Year at the Latino Awards program presented by U-T San Diego.  This honor highlighted Cruz’s efforts to raise literacy rates in the region and reduce unemployment, homelessness, cost of healthcare, and crime, among other social woes.

On Wednesday, May 14, Mr. Cruz will preside over SDCOL’s fifth annual “Eat. Drink. Read A Culinary Event for Literacy” as part of the continuing  effort to enhance quality of life for all…through “100% literacy via 100% community engagement.”

  

We last spoke to Mr. Cruz in 2010 in these pages.  It’s time once again:

LW:  Jose, your passion for this work is evident …

JC:  Every day presents opportunities to show that illiteracy is a national problem -  directly connected to problems we seem to be forever addressing.  Crime, unemployment, homelessness, spousal and drug abuse are simply symptoms.  They are illiteracy in disguise. When we seriously deal with society’s root problems spawned by illiteracy,  we will see a decrease in the challenges that have plagued us for decades.

LW:  “Eat. Drink. Read.” is definitely a good time for a good cause.  What’s new in this milestone 5th year? What changes - and/or achievements - of note?

JC:  In 1985, we oversaw five literacy programs, and the problem of adult illiteracy was virtually unknown. Today we oversee 26 affiliated programs that annually serve about 170,000 residents, with help from 6,000 volunteers and greater literacy awareness.  More people know where to go for help.  And,  importantly, they know that they are not alone in needing help. 

I am excited about our Region That Reads effort:  our mayors  and county supervisors are endorsing our work and expressing their commitment to supporting literacy.   They will take a leadership role that will result in more resources and bring us closer to our vision of literacy for all.

We’re doing good work – but more help is needed.  We appreciate  U-T San Diego, the Dr. Seuss Foundation, Petco, U.S. Bank, the David C. Copley Foundation, The Shiley Foundation, Bill Lynch, Kaiser Permanente, Ashford University, Petco, the Stephen and Mary Birch Foundation, J.Walcher Communications, and more, for their support.

LW:  How do you work with the literacy programs?

JC: They are our primary ‘customers.’  We  coordinate services for them, maximize resources, raise literacy awareness, direct referrals, provide training for staff, engage with public officials,  generate resources, and more We never feel like we’re doing enough! Together, we strive to break cycles of illiteracy and replace these with cycles of success.  It’s do-able!

A few years ago, the economy took a bit hit and hurt all of us.  Things now look up, and we are convening our partners to help coordinate  Health Literacy San Diego with Community Health Improvement Partners (CHIP), our  effort to  address the communication breakdowns between patients and the healthcare system.  These are expensive and heartbreaking; they occur  when patients’ weak literacy abilities, languages, and cultures meet the literature, language, and culture of the healthcare system.

LW: What is the continuing challenge these days?

JC:  It’s showing the connection between illiteracy and our social woes.  As a society, we are too much about providing food, clothing, and shelter, and not enough about giving people the tools they need to generate these things on their own.

Twenty percent of U.S. adults read prose at the lowest level— the path to healthier families, communities, businesses, and to youth success continues to be literacy.  We know this.

LW: Where do the schools fit in?

JC: Schools are vital.  However, the truth is, we are winning and losing the battle in the home.  The parent is the child’s first and most important teacher; the home is the child’s first and most important school.  If given the choice, I would choose a functional home over a good school any time.   Our teachers care deeply… every day they make a world of difference to our children.   But, ask them!  Teachers will be the first to say that they need our help. 

LW:  How has the web/social marketing, etc., impacted the state of literacy?

JC: Social marketing provides an important, low-cost vehicle for our messages, in a way that helps us find and secure our support base.   We need to be where the people are. 

LW:   How do people who struggle with reading find you?

JC: Word of mouth is still the primary way. Relationships are still worth gold. Recently, through documentarian Mark Albertazzi, and funding from the United Way of San Diego County, Price Family Charitable Foundation, and the San Diego Foundation, we produced Voices & Faces: Literacy in San Diego.

Everyone should see it!  Hearing,  seeing  the testimonials of those who struggled with reading as children, we get a better grasp of what takes place. Truly, illiteracy is  a lonely, sad, angry, embarrassing existence for too many adults;  they want help, but they don’t  want to be discovered.  Yet adults can and do learn to read; when that happens, the transformation in their lives is dramatic and inspiring.  

LW:  What do volunteers do?

JC:  They tutor adults and children, and read to children. We say, ‘change two lives: your’s and someone else’s.’ You never know how great an impact you’ll have on a person, his or her family, and generations to come. In homes where children are failing, we find that there are no books, no one reading to the kids, limited language interaction, and not enough of the right kind of role modeling - the key to youth success in school.  Tutors are a big part of what makes the literacy world turn. (Call us at 1-888-850-READ (7323) or visit www.literacysandiego.org)

LW: If you could invite three writers to “Eat. Drink. Read.” - who would they be?

JC: Hmmm… I’d pick five!  Twain, Dickens, Shakespeare, Steinbeck, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  All would wonder why our cause was not higher up on our social radar and all would know and comment upon the importance of our work.  Not only

that, they might even find their books have inspired our Chefs’

creative dishes - ! 

LW: Last words?

JC: 100% literacy through 100% community engagement.  It still takes a village.###

For tickets to “Eat. Drink. Read. A Culinary Event for Literacy,” www.eatdrinkread.com. ###