WHO’S SORRY NOW, 2013 ?

San Diego Daily Transcript, Feb. 18, 2013

By Laura Walcher

“Way back in ’07, I noted the many noteworthy apologists of the time:  Don Imus, Michael Richards, Shinzo Abe (Japanese Prime Minister), ParisHilton, Paul Wolfowitz, Mel Gibson, George Allen, Rosie O’Donnell. To  offset personal depression, I’d rejected the idea of an annual review; yet,  given our current qualifiers, I’ve given in.  It’s time.   

When I was about ten, I committed the cardinal childhood sin:  Without his expressed permission, I played with my little brother’s favorite toys.

He threw a fit.  I threw his Hopalong Cassidy gun and holster across the room. Arms and legs flailing, he leaped at me in a fury. I caught him on the fly and nearly strangled him.  

Our parents made us apologize to each other.

“I’m sorry, “ he sobbed, gulping to catch the dopey little breath I left him.  “I’m sorry ... you played with my toys!”

That’s been a family favorite story over the years, and I’ve now realized that the spirit of my brother’s wry apology is probably the internal mantra of our current slew of apologists.

Although Silvio Berlusconi has racked up numerous reasons to apologize, he has avoided it – until just lately.  Somehow, he saw fit to excuse Mussolini’s bad behavior towards the Jews, on the theory that Mussolini was only trying to win favor from the Nazis. He regrets. “My historical analyses, “ he mourns, “are always based on condemnation of dictatorships.’  Oh, we must’ve missed that point.

Not to be outdone, Mr. Berlusconi’s brother Paolo needed

to be excused as well, for calling Mario Balotelli,  Italy’s star  soccer player,  a “little black boy.”  (This is a “loose translation” of a highly derogatory Italian word …” says the N. Y. Times). Actually, Paolo wasn’t sorry;  Silvio, his brother’s keeper was;  Silvio  reportedly called it an “uncivil episode.”  But then, he no doubt wishes to regain his presidency.

Not quite apologetic, Lance Armstrong instead is more like … remorseful.  (*Shoot, lost that career! )He recently made the Forbes’ “most disliked” list, which maybe he wouldn’t have made had he actually apologized.  Well, Oprah tried her best.

The retired Roman Catholic Cardinal Roger Mahoney  really regretted the errors he made in protecting the Church instead of the Church’s children. About his mis-dealings with molesting priests, he ruefully notes his “mistakes ”   and rushed to retirement.  ( Booted, wethinks.)

Who is Lisa Weiss, and why is she sorry?  Ah. Lisa, Lisa.  Why would you be sorry for

“outing” Anthony Weiner’s parade of lewd tweets and kinky messages?  Publicly, she apologizes:  “….for any pain I caused you…!”  Mr. Weiner, who may or may not be ‘over” his unfortunate diversions, might pursue a political comeback.  (Lisa wants a job? )

In Phil Mickelson’s case, taxes, of all things, led to his bad behavior. His state taxes really ticked him off - - in fact, he threatened to bag California altogether, but then, he was sorry. “I didn’t ‘redirect’ the conversation,” he said, but he didn’t say to what.  Tax reform instead of relocation?  Never mind. He’s still here – and can still buy his own irons. 

A slight slight  compared to Egypt’s President Mohamed Morsi, who was only trying to bow to his constituency, wasn’t he,  when he called for public “hatred for Zionists and Jews?” When his comments were recently published, he was remorseful to the max.  He said his opinions were “taken out of context. “  Heavens.  Save us from the context.

Legally, and across the board, general remorse might reduce one’s sentence for wrong-doing. That’s probably what my brother figured.  Better be “sorry” -  than not.

In 2007, I announced the prestigious Laura Walcher Award for the Seemingly Sincere Apologist. It went to Governor Jon Corzine of New Jersey,  who was sorry - for himself and his constituents, a twofer! He wasn’t wearing a seat belt while his car traveled - then crashed - at over 90 mph. “I set a bad example,” he said, “and I hope the state will forgive me.”

This year, John Mackey of Whole Foods Market, earns my new recognition -  “The Laura Walcher Most Grudging Apology” Award,  since he compared Obamacare to “fascism”, when is was suggested that he could have

cited “socialism.”

“It is “ …more like fascism than. Socialism,” he excuses himself. “With socialism, the government owns the means of production.  In fascism, the government doesn’t own the means, but they do control it. “  However, he’s more-or-less sorry ““I made a poor word choice ,,, “ ‘fascism’ … stirs up too much negative motion with its horrific associations…”   

The field of contestants for my new Award today are all worthy, so to those deserving yet not included, well,  I’m really, really sorry. ###

Laura Walcher is Principal P.R. Counsel, J. Walcher

Communications  (www.jwalcher.com)

WHAT NOW? WATER BUOY! By Laura Walcher

Presidio Sentinel San Diego

February, 2013

It’s a sad commentary on my powers of persuasion that

despite being a poster person for the merits of swimming,

I have yet to persuade my friends and family to undertake this amazing diversion, this superb exercise. You’d think my umpteen years in P. R.,  selling stories and features to cantankerous journalists would prepare me for hard-sells of any kind? By comparison, selling swimming ought to be a walk-in-the-park.

In the interests of the general health of San Diego’s population,

I’ve decided to try it on those of you who have yet to ignore my advice. 

I’m objective; here are a few downsides, all of which I’ve learned the hard way:

-      do not swim if you are suffering from any respiratory illness, like, for instance,  bronchitis. 

-      do not swim if you are mending from broken bones, strained  muscles, tendons or sinews.

-      drench your hair with cheap conditioner, to offset the negative effects of chlorine, water, etc. 

Short list, right?  A hot day makes swimming all the better, of course. If it’s cold, make sure your feet are freezing; that will make even a moderately heated pool feel really, really good.  The downside of swimming in cold weather is getting out of the water. This requires extreme courage and a satisfying vocabulary of profanities. If it’s raining, never mind: you’re already wet.  If windy, fear not:  a ferocious wind further challenges your swim, your strength. 

(Disclaimer:  I only swim in pools.  That’s because I have an

enduring fear of the sharks in the ocean who lie in wait for me. This has been true ever since I saw the trailer of the movie,

“JAWS!”)

Don’t swim by the clock; that leaves you too much time to think about the state of the world, say, or, heaven forbid, the state of yourself: those things you should do or say, or shouldn’t have done or said.  That kind of thinking will offset any calming effects of your swim. Instead, count laps.  The monotony of counting will add to the water’s meditative benefits. Occasionally, my count gets interrupted by a brilliant creative thought (like, why don’t I write a column?), or something I absolutely must do (like, call my cousin Jay, which I’ve forgotten, anyway, despite repeated counting interruptions). 

There’s plenty of research that shows that physical activity may make our brains bigger. Smarter!  OK, it’s unprovable.   Physical Education writer Gretchen Reynolds, however, quotes Harvard biologist Dr. Daniel E. Liebermann, who fundamentally  agrees …” that there is a deep evolutionary basis for the relationship between a healthy body and a healthy mind.”  The absence of this particular effect in me may be the reason my friends and family have not yet been persuaded. 

As I write this in January, any number of colleagues report

colds, coughs, fevers,  flu.  I’m willing to bet none of them are swimmers. While I hesitate to jinx myself (!), I confide that for many years I would’ve been the first on that list for one kind of ailment or another.   In fact, I only started swimming in the aftermath of a foot injury, looking for any exercise that wouldn’t “hurt.”  Walking gingerly through a pool proved to be healing. As I advanced to actually swimming, the activity revitalized my general health, and as far as I can tell, has boosted my immune system. Compared to those early years, today I hardly ever get “sick.”  (Note to God of Jinxes:  I did NOT say I “never” get sick!)

You could lose weight by swimming, but sorry, that’s not my expertise. My former puny self was a sickly, 98-lb. weakling.

Within a few months of steady swimming, though, I gained five lbs. – all muscle!  Everything looked better, everything felt

better! So, whatever your weight issues, you’ll be stronger, more sculpted.    You’ll even enjoy the exhilaration of enhanced moods.

That’s what I told the postman last month during our freezing cold snap, when rushing from the pool, clutching my towel, muttering obscenities, bursting into the condo’s  foyer, he took one disbelieving look at me and barked, ”What is the MATTER with you?”  ###